something happens in me

Alhamdullilah its now 2012.. tahun baru takkan membawa apa makna kalau tak ada apa2 perubahan dari tahun sebelum2.. since few weeks ago, something came to my mind.. What would i become in future.. it is not what i am going to be in terms of occupations or achievements.. but what i kept thinking is that, what type of person i gonna be?? is it just a muslim stated in card or the true muslim?? i'm also kept questioning myself, why i cant do it, if other people able to do it? its quite tense when in that situation.. many sources and materials i read mostly talked about this.. 

yesterday (31 december 2011), i remind back what has happened in my life for the year 2011.. actually something huge had happened.. but sadly i couldn't find or recall anything on my contribution towards myself, my iman, my family and others (literally). it quite depressed when you finally realized that you had wasted so much time on something that you cant even recalled back.. 

while writing this, my heart have some weird feeling that i couldnt described it.. have you ever feel the feeling of sad deeeeep in your heart but you dont know what makes you feel that way?  usually it comes together with sry session but without knowing the cause.. What i could say is that my beginning of the new semester was filled mostly with upset and down feelings.. with my terrible-unexpected- worst grade for most of my tests really make me down.. i feel like i'm already disappointing many people with their expectation.. 

i know and i kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason. in my case, finally i found the reasons.. it is that Allah has better plan for me.. He knows what is the best for His servant.. He has His own way to keep people realize that they make mistakes and want them to correct it..  at some point i feel my life is not being blessed by Him.. have you ever feel that?? 

when i'm realized i'm going to be 22 in year 2012, i feel sudden change in my emotions. i feel more sensitives towards my inner matters and myself.. actually i dont know where to start.. 

my heart is really in pain.. this would not be over until i find the cure.. for the time  being, i have to bear with pain, i think.. 

aggressively trying to figure out what i gonna be in the future.. both future(s)..